Monster
by Elissa707
Summary: Captain is happily working out when suddenly, he hears a loud crash. What happened? NOTHING TO DO WITH FREUDIAN SLIPS. Kinda cracky. Light slash. Also, this is going to be more of a short series-thing instead of a oneshot. Sequel Morphine has been posted.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Avengers.**

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I was in my room, stretching, when I heard a _very_ loud crash and high-pitched giggling. Frowning to myself, I left to investigate and found Hawkeye sitting on top of the refrigerator with the entire contents of the freezer and most of the fridge on the ground. I stared at him and he waved frantically at me, still giggling, but the rapid movement unbalanced him and he fell. I darted forward and caught him; he smiled hugely and kissed my nose.

"My hero!" he exclaimed before wriggling out of my grasp and waving some more. "Look, I'm fast!" he darted away and I stared in shock. _What the hell just happened?_ Worried he might hurt himself, I chased after him following the sound of giggling. He was indeed fast and I had a bit of a time finding him.

I caught up to him in the gym, where he was attached to one of my punching bags in a koala-style grip, swinging back in forth. I approached slowly, trying to not alert him but to no avail.

"HI!" he shouted. "I can fly, watch!" he then attempted to jump off of the bag but failed, and again I ran forward to catch him. The force was enough to knock me over and he landed on top of me. He gave me the same crazy smile and laughed. "Hi again! Bye!" he exclaimed before running off. I sighed. _What is going on with him?_ I started after him again, wondering what would happen next.

I lost him in the hallway and looked around, trying to figure out where he went. I heard giggling again, but this time it was directly above me. With a frown, I looked up just in time to see Hawkeye let go of the rafters. I had seconds to prepare myself for his landing and I caught him, grunting slightly.

"You did it again! Yay!" he jumped off but this time he dashed forward and stared at my face with a faraway look in his eye before kissing my chin and leaping back. "Tag!" he shouted before fleeing. I stared at his back. _Ok, who drugged Hawkeye?_ I wished that I wasn't the only one in the tower in the moment and I jogged after him. I heard more shouting and I followed it.

"I'M NOT A HAWKEYE I'M A FISHIEYE! SPLOOOOOSH!" I heard him screaming and groaned. _The pool. _I walked in to see him dive in. I decided to sit down and hope he wore himself out. After about five minutes of him staring at his wet hands in shock, he looked up to see me watching him. He waved me over wildly and when he saw that I wasn't going to, he got up and sprinted to me.

"You came again! Swim with me!" he said, sounding like the fact that I was following him was the brightest moment in his life.

"Hawkeye, are you ok?" I asked. He jumped into my lap and wrapped his very wet hands around me. _I have no idea what to do in this situation. Call for help? Poison control?_ He nuzzled his sopping head into my chest and I, with a silent sigh, put my arms around him so he wouldn't fall off. He grinned brilliantly.

"I am super-duper-ooper ok! I am awesomely…. Awesome! The world is spinning and I can go so fast and you're here THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER SINCE EVER!" he exclaimed, his eyes alight with enthusiasm. _Ah. Fun poison then… _He nodded vigorously and then looked a bit dizzy but it passed quickly.

"Did you eat anything…. Funny?" I asked, watching him. _His pupils are oddly large and he's very red… Plus I can see his pulse in his neck. This can't be good._

"Nope I haven't eaten since…. sandwich. But I had lots and lots and looootttts of Monster!" he replied, bouncing off of my lap. _…Monster? Isn't that that energy drink… And we had sandwiches yesterday, for lunch… Aw shit. _He dove back in to poke my nose and then flew off again. _He's on caffeine high… Please crash soon._

About half an hour later, after four more near-crashes, six attempted flights, and an unknown amount of facial kissing, I was chasing Hawkeye back in the hallway near the kitchen. Suddenly he stopped running, swayed a bit and turned around. He looked green and I immediately ran to his side. He held onto my shoulder and I instinctively wrapped an arm around his waist.

"Cap… I don't feel so good…" He whispered. "The world is heavy… I think I'm gon-" was all he managed to say before passing out cold. I caught him again and shook my head.

"And this is why we eat _every_ day and you are never having anything caffeinated again, ever." I carried him to his bedroom door before I realized that I didn't have his room key or a free hand to search his pockets… Or the desire to search his pockets. I sighed and instead brought him to mine and putting him to bed. With a yawn, I found myself rather exhausted. _Of course, I have spent the last hour or so chasing him all over the Tower… A nap is probably a good idea._ I looked at my bed, debated for a moment, before choosing to sleep on my couch instead. _Why did he keep kissing me?_

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_AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
_

So, I recently was on a caffeine high and wondered what Cap would do if Hawkeye got drunk on energy drinks... And poof, this was born. Continue or oneshot?


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own Avengers.**

* * *

I woke up two hours later. After a brief stretch, I tiptoed into my bedroom to check on Hawkeye. He was still unconscious and I left quietly. _He's going to need some carbs to absorb all that excess caffeine…_ I walked to the kitchen and groaned at the mess. _The entirety of the refrigerator in a pile, eggs smashed and oozing all over the place, milk-puddles everywhere… _Deciding to clean it after tending to Hawkeye, I reached the thankfully-untouched pantry and put some bread in the toaster. I found a bottle of apple juice amid the food rubble that wasn't spilled and, after rinsing off the outside, poured a glass. The toast popped and I looked through the pantry for something acceptable on toast. I found a jar of nutella and one of peanut butter; I grabbed and spread them on the toast, licking the knife and tossing it in the sink. I put it all together on a plate and went back to my bedroom.

I knelt next in front of Hawkeye, placing the plate of food on the nightstand, and gently touched his shoulder.

"Hawkeye, wake up. You need to eat." I whispered, shaking his arm. He groaned and buried his head deeper in my pillow.

"Head. Hurts." He replied, and I shook my head.

"That's what happens after you go on a caffeine rush, fall down a lot, and not eat for a day. Wake up, I brought you food. I'll dim the lights a bit." I replied, getting up to hand him the food and fix the lighting. He sat up, blanched, and immediately laid back down. I quickly stepped over.

"Let me help." I said, carefully moving pillows to support him. "How's your head?"

"Fine." He replied, avoiding my eyes. "Why am I in your bed?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, after spending an hour chasing you, you passed out and I didn't really want to go through your pockets trying to find your key." I replied and he coughed a bit sheepishly.

"Ah… so that all happened then?" he asked and I nodded. "Great… I'll just be out of yourhairthenbye" He went to stand up, putting his untouched food next to him and I placed a hand on his chest.

"No, you are going to lay there, eat that toast, and tell me why exactly you decided it would be fun to drink monster on an empty stomach. Oh, and you are officially banned from caffeine." He gulped and stared at my hand. I pulled it back and put the plate on his lap. "Eat." Hawkeye immediately took a bite of the toast, I nodded and pulled a chair from the corner of the room closer. I waited patiently for him to eat the first toast and then, when I saw how green he was, I handed him the apple juice.

"If you're going to be sick, there's a trashcan right next to the bed." He nodded and took a sip. Finally he set aside the plate, the second piece of toast left alone but I didn't push it. _His stomach is probably rather upset anyways. _

"Uhm. I really just forgot to eat…" he said, picking at my blanket. I stared at him. "Well, I knew I should but I was busy. Working."

"Working on what, exactly?" I asked and he swallowed nervously.

"Just… stuff. It's not important. But, I was busy and I didn't notice how late it was, I just kept drinking Monster whenever I got tired." He finished and I shook my head.

"How many did you drink?"

"Ah… I lost count after four…" and I just stared incredulously.

"Four cans or four servings?" I asked, shaking my head. He mumbled something and I gestured for him to speak up.

"Four, er… Cans." He replied and I stood up.

"Ok, you aren't allowed to have Monster, or any energy drink for that matter, ever again. You could have had a heart attack and _died_, you… ugh." I said, going to leave the room. "Now, I have to go clean up and _you_ are going to sit here and think about why what you did was stupid. There's pen and paper in the nightstand. I expect _at least_ twenty reasons." At his angry face I raised my eyebrows. "Thirty, then."

"You're not my mother; I can and will get up and leave." He replied and he did manage to stand. I watched him take a wobbly step forward and counted. _3… 2… 1_ He went down and I caught him. He relaxed into for a second before tensing. "Let go of me!" I rolled my eyes and put him back on my bed.

"I'm not your mother and you should be thankful. If I were, I would have let you fall just now and I'd be dragging you out there to clean your own mess. And then make you cook dinner with me, sausage and onions." He looked nauseous so I stopped. "Now, are you going to just take your punishment or would you like a physical one?" He grumbled that he would do the homework and I left the room.

It took me well over two hours to clean up the mess, almost three, and I set the mop down, surveying the kitchen. I then stretched briefly and headed to my room to collect the list of reasons and see if Hawkeye was fit enough to return to his.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Ok, one more chapter. Possibly two if I can't fit it all in this last one.

Hawkeye is being secretive... Hm. I wonder what about...?


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Avengers.**

* * *

I walked into my room, slipping quietly into the bedroom to find Hawkeye gone and a sheet of paper on my bed. I shook my head and glanced at the paper, not really caring if he skipped any, just wondering what he came up with.

_**Reasons Why Overdosing on Caffeine on an Empty Stomach is Stupid**_

_1. You will get one hell of a headache._

_2. You will throw up._

_3. You could have a heart attack._

_4. Captain America will take away your rights to Monster._

_5. You will have bruises in odd places._

_6. Your filter for acceptable behavior goes offline when you're high on caffeine._

_7. Fucking. Dreams._

_8. Captain America will judge you._

_9. You will wake up in the morning in an odd bed with Captain America looking at you like you're retarded while handing you apple juice and Nutella toast._

_10. Captain America will force you to eat Nutella toast._

_11. Nutella will be forever ruined because throwing it up is not fun._

_12. You will feel worse than Loki after Hulk got through with him._

_13. Moving, even an inch to reach the goddamn trash to throw away freaking scrap, will result in your throwing up._

_14. You will be so tired that you fell asleep while trying to write the 14__th__ reason._

_15. You will be snappy because you're tired and Captain will make it 30 reasons long instead of 20._

_16. Your brain will feel like a hippo's toilet._

_17. Captain America will give you homework AND a lecture._

_18. You will feel guilty because Captain America is cleaning up your mess because you can barely move._

_19. You will try to leave the bedroom and realize that you really will throw up whenever you try to move._

_20. You will consider stealing Captain America's trashcan so you can leave his bedroom and not make a huge mess._

_21. You will wake up snuggling another man's pillow. It will be awkward._

_22. You will only remember bits and pieces from what happened._

_23. You will have to write 30 reasons and will run out after the first 10._

_24. Captain America will be the one to save you._

_25. Tony will probably see the whole thing on his damn security feeds and he probably posted it online._

_26. You will lose all credibility with Captain America/the team/ the universe if Tony posted it._

_27. You will realize you have to ride the elevator to get to the security room to delete the footage. You will be nauseous just thinking about the elevator._

_28. Captain America will mention sausage and onions. _

_29. Captain America will be incredibly nice and let you crash on his bed and you will feel guilt._

_30. You will feel so accomplished you came up with 30 reasons but will then realize that you feel accomplished about writing 30 reasons why you're stupid. You will feel even more stupid. _

_BONUS: You will steal Captain America's trashcan so you can leave and mope in your room. You will promise yourself that you will return it, but you won't. You'll buy Captain America a new one when you can move without hating yourself. _

_Sorry Cap._

_Hawkeye_

I smiled slightly as I finished the note, putting it in my nightstand. I looked down and, sure enough, my trashcan was gone. I decided to give Hawkeye a few hours alone before I brought him some soup for dinner, and some ginger ale. I checked the bed to make sure it was still clean and I yawned. Shaking myself, I went to the shower to clean myself from cleaning up.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This one is done, I don't think I can do any more without pushing this storyline. I think that I will write a sequel instead of continuing with more chapters here, with more funny Hawkeye and other side effects, as requested.


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